Collaborative Divorce: Nope, It’s Not an Oxymoron.

        As you can imagine, going through a divorce is one of the most difficult times of someone’s life.  So many emotions… so many unwanted issues to deal with… and so much healing needing to take place. I’m excited to present to you a new way to think about and approach divorce.  It’s called Collaborative Divorce.

        I’ve discovered I learn better visually therefore, I’ve come up with a visualization that I hope will assist in explaining the differences between a traditional litigated divorce and a collaborative divorce.  So here it goes…

      Imagine a tornado: a huge Texas tornado, the kind that rips through a community destroying anything and everything in its path. It spins out of control and we have no ability to direct it.  After this tornado departs, people are left devastated. They have no homes, their belongings are scattered everywhere and the only choice they have is to start from ground zero.  They are so stunned at what has occurred that they are left with little emotion. The Texas tornado is my visual image of a traditional litigated divorce.

        Now, imagine if you could take that tornado and somehow control it. You have been warned that it’s coming and so you begin to prepare and work together towards re-directing the tornado away from your little community.  If you’re successful, your immediate surroundings are kept intact, you have a sense of accomplishment and most importantly, your family is not injured.  That’s what collaborative divorce is all about.

        How does such an approach work?  At the onset of the process, the couple and their collaboratively trained attorneys sign a contract agreeing not to go to court or to use the threat of litigation as a bargaining tool to get what they want. If the collaboration fails and the divorce heads to court, each spouse must find a new attorney and the process starts from scratch.  This first step commits everyone to cooperate and is the making of a team.  The highest priorities of both spouses and their children are taken into account.

        The next step is to actually begin to collaborate. The parties identify the immediate needs of the family, which may lead to the recruitment of other team members. The potential team members could be divorce coaches, child specialists, financial advisors or life coaches, all of whom are also collaboratively trained. 

        For example, the parties may determine that they need a divorce coach/communication coach who is also a licensed therapist.  The coach will meet with the couple to evaluate their communication styles, and help them learn effective ways to communicate without escalating the disagreement into an unnecessary argument. The coach may assist only one party to deal with the divorce, or may decide that a joint session would be successful. 

        If there are children to consider, a child specialist can interview the children and offer professional advice (based on the children’s development) for a custody arrangement that will be in the youngsters’ best interests.  Additionally, a neutral financial advisor can review all of the couple’s finances, gather documents, and help them maximize their assets. Financial planning helps preserve both parties’ standards of living. Some divorces may not need all the team members listed above; however, such valuable assistance is available.

        The collaborative divorce process produces much less fear and anxiety than a court proceeding does.  Everyone involved can focus on reaching a settlement without the imminent threat of “going to court.”  It encourages finding creative solutions to resolve issues and is much less time-consuming than waiting to get in to see the judge. With committed parties, the process creates a positive climate that produces a more than satisfactory outcome.

         It may feel unnatural, at first, to try to work together as a team with the person you are about to divorce. However, even if the team may be dysfunctional at the outset, they’re still a team learning to work together. Through the collaborative process, the possibility actually exists for participants to create a climate that facilitates the best possible “win-win” settlement.